


Feelings of Love and Uncertainty

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 20:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6581002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So much had happened it was hard to remember exactly who started it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feelings of Love and Uncertainty

CJ woke up that morning before the sun. She turned to look at the man who shared her bed. It had been 12 weeks since the first time; yes, she was counting. 12 weeks of bliss, followed by confusion, an argument or two, some private tears, and more bliss. So much had happened it was hard to remember exactly who started it. 

CJ remembered it was Toby’s 40th birthday. The gang decided to throw a party in the bullpens since Toby refused to make a big deal about it. There were drinks flowing, music, and dancing. CJ was the life of the party…if her best friend was going to act as if he were not having a good time then she would have the goof time for both of them.

“How are you getting home tonight Claudia Jean?”

CJ turned and smiled at Leo.

“Hmm, I think driving is out of the question.” She said.

“Yeah.”

“You can take me Leopold.”

She ran her fingers down his arm.

“OK, well I am leaving right now.”

CJ pursed her lips and then licked out her tongue.

“Let me say my formal goodbyes.” She said.

Leo nodded, watching as she danced away and into Josh’s arms. When they left together, CJ drank from a bottle of water.

“How drunk are you?” Leo asked.

“I am not going to fall over if that is what you’re asking. OK, scratch that, I fall over all the time when I’m sober. I had such a good time tonight.”

“Toby didn’t seem too thrilled.”

“Don’t let the old Tobus grumpy routine fool you, he loved it. Do you think my legs and neck are too long?”

Leo looked at her with a raised eyebrow as they walked out onto the street. Why did CJ seem drunker as soon as the chilled night air hit her?

“What?” he asked.

“Do I have an abnormally long neck and legs?”

“Your legs are fantastic.” Leo looked away from her when he said it. “There is nothing wrong with your neck CJ.”

“OK.”

“Maybe we should get coffee or something?” he suggested.

“I have a new Kenyan Dark Roast at my place. It put Starbucks to shame.”

OK, so maybe she started it. With all the 80 proof bourbon and beer in her bloodstream, could CJ really claim responsibility? All that was on her mind was good coffee….a polygraph could prove it.

“Why don't we walk Leo? Its only five blocks or so and it is a beautiful night. Plus I don’t think being in a moving vehicle is in my best interest right now.”

“What, walk to your place?”

“Huh?”

“You want to walk to your place.” He repeated it slowly.

CJ nodded, slipping her arm through his. Leo’s two agents followed behind them anyway; being robbed at gunpoint was slim to nil.

“Long distance walking is not my thing.” Leo said.

“What do you mean?” CJ asked. “Hey, did you know that they have long distance walking in the Olympics? How do you try out for that?”

“My kneecaps are plastic.” He replied, expecting her to laugh and blame it on the Southern Comfort. “It’s an offshoot of the war.”

“Oh. Well, we can get in the Lincoln if you want. Open the windows; I can hang my head out like a sheepdog.” Now she laughed.

Leo shook his head.

“Does it hurt Leo?” she asked when her giggle fit subsided.

A sensitivity in her voice and eyes made her beautiful. Even though her eyes were glassy.

“Only on damp days.” He said. “Then it can be a real bitch.”

They were quiet for the rest of the trip to the apartment. Once inside it was a blur for CJ, and that was not because she was drunk. They each had two cups of coffee; she put Queen in the CD player. Neither one of them knew how this happened but CJ began to do a mini striptease to I Want to Break Free. Leo kissed her and they were off. Clothes flew, shoes were kicked off…it happened right on the living room carpet. Even though she tapped her brain for days afterward, CJ had no idea how they made it to the bedroom later.

Leo was gone when she woke the next morning. After staff, she lingered at his desk.

“Yeah?” his glasses slid to the bridge of his nose.

“Is this something that we are not going to discuss?” she asked. “You can't call it a drunken thing Leo.”

He was quiet for too long so she turned and walked to the door.

“I would not call it that.” He said softly. “Still, we shouldn’t…”

CJ held up her hand; she didn’t want to hear it.

“Don't worry; I’m not planning to get all moony on you. I am a grown woman and I know all about regretful one-night stands.”

“CJ…”

“I have to prepare for the briefing.”

She walked out the room, swallowing her anger and disappointment. It was not as if CJ was expecting anything to continue happening between them. An acknowledgement of fantastic sex between consenting adults was not asking too much. Well, obviously it was.

After her four o’clock briefing, a dozen long stem white roses were sitting on her desk.

“You have flowers.” Carol said. She was wearing the big smile she always wore when she thought good things were happening for CJ. “Who are they from?”

“A friend from California.” CJ lied.

She sat at the desk, fed her fish, and pulled the card. ‘I’m sorry. Last night was wonderful. L’. She slipped the card in her desk drawer and went on with her busy day. Another week would pass before she could make the next move.

It was a rainy Thursday and CJ had carnations in her office that morning. She’d been the same old CJ with Leo, even after the flowers, and maybe he wanted more. Maybe he just liked sending flowers to a woman. After the roses there were forget-me-nots on Monday, lilies on Wednesday, and today there were carnations. Her apartment began to resemble a hothouse. CJ had to tell him to stop.

“Someone likes you.” Carol said, putting files on her desk for briefings throughout the day.

“I don’t know about that.” CJ replied. “Someone just assumes I love flowers.”

“Don’t you?”

“I don’t know.” CJ shrugged. “Too often the sentimentality is cheap. I like words; flowers die and words live forever.”

She went to his hotel that night, after midnight. All kinds of 007 deviance went into making sure she had the correct suite number without arousing suspicion as to what she was up to. She knocked gently on the door. Leo opened it, wearing his cute little lopsided grin.

“It was the flowers, wasn’t it?” he asked.

“You wish. Let me in.”

Leo moved from the door and CJ walked into the suite.

“Aren't you going to ask me how I found out where you live?” she asked.

“You are an intelligent woman…I am not at all surprised. What’s under the raincoat?”

“Nothing. Wanna see?”

Leo laughed.

“Absolutely.”

***

Their first argument happened four weeks in. It was a Sunday evening; Leo went to her place for dinner. She couldn’t cook so she had Italian delivered. They ate and watched 60 Minutes on the couch. CJ kept sighing and Leo looked at her.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

He nodded, though he knew it wasn’t true. They may have only been sleeping together for a month but counting the campaign, Leo and CJ had known each other for almost 3 years. He knew when she was happy, sad, pissed, or paranoid. He did not want to push her though.

“This is ridiculous you know.” She finally said after having a good laugh at Andy Rooney.

“What’s that?” Leo asked.

“How long do you think we can just show up at each other’s places, have sex, and go to work?”

Leo had his arms around her shoulder. CJ shrugged out of it and sat on the other side of the couch. This was about to get serious.

“I don’t know how to answer that CJ.”

“In four weeks you have not thought about it once?”

“What?”

“Us, Leo!” she replied in an exasperated tone. “What the hell are we doing?”

“Enjoying each other’s company…getting to know each other.”

“I already know you.” She said.

“Not really.” He replied.

“I know enough. Anyway, it would be hard to attempt to know you further considering all we do is eat and fuck.”

“Again, I…”

“Don’t you dare say you don’t know how to answer that!”

“OK, see now you're mad and you're going to take it out on me.” He said.

“Leo, are we going to spend the next couple of years just having sex? Will I wake up one morning and decide I’m over it? Will you? I mean come on, we at least have to talk about it.”

“I want to talk…I don’t want you to yell.”

“Fine,” she cleared her throat. “I won't yell.” CJ said.

“Good. Now we do more that eat and fuck, as you put it, and you know it. It’s a complicated situation.”

“I know that we are not normal people. I don’t want what you can't give me, but you tell me what you can't give me. I think it is logical to decide after a month whether this is a clandestine affair or something real.”

“What do you mean real? We spend at least three nights a week together, CJ. What is more real than that?”

“Do you hear what you are saying? We spend nights together. We’re like vampires Leo…God forbid you put your arm around me before the sun went down. I have been a dirty secret before and I am not going to be that with you.”

“I would never think of you that way. Our jobs complicate things.”

“So I am easy to fuck but not something more?” she asked.

“Stop saying that!” he exclaimed.

“You're yelling.” She replied.

Leo sighed, trying to refocus. The woman knew every way, good and bad, to drive him out of his mind. That was scary enough.

“Have you thought about the consequences of taking it public? How will the press react? What about your beloved spin boys? Ever think about the President of the United States?”

“I am not talking about the whole world Leo, for now I am talking about you and me. One month and you don’t even have a toothbrush here. You don’t leave aftershave or shampoo…just in case someone comes by and ask questions.”

“You want me to leave my toothbrush here?” Leo asked.

“Yes, or no. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Leo couldn’t help but laugh. It faded when CJ gave him the death stare.

“Don’t laugh at me Leo McGarry.”

“You're being irrational baby. It’s…”

“What did you just say?” CJ asked, cutting him off.

“I said you're being irrational. I don’t understand the toothbrush thing.”

“You called me baby.” She whispered.

“Yeah, I have before.” He replied.

CJ shook her head; she would have remembered that.

“Well, I meant to.” He caressed her cheek.

“Uh huh. You are not off the hook.”

“I didn’t know there was a hook. How about we call it a draw? I like you, and the time we spend together CJ. I don’t want to belittle it. Come here.”

She laid in his arms, trying to focus on the confession that he liked her and his first term of endearment. The next Wednesday Leo left his toothbrush in her apartment.

***

Three weeks later CJ bicycled to Belgium in her office. She had almost an hour to herself on a slow day and she was going to spend it listening to The Cars and riding hard. Leo came into the office and she hardly noticed him. He closed the door and walked closer, startling her.

“What do you need?” she ripped the earphones from her ears and stopped the CD.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Bicycling to Belgium…it’s Friday. Whatever it is I hope you can talk to me while I’m doing this.”

“I had to discuss our personal relationship with the President.”

CJ stopped bicycling and looked at him.

“Why?” she asked.

“He asked me.”

“How exactly did it come up Leo?”

“He walked into my office, sat down, and asked how long we’d been seeing each other.”

CJ muttered an expletive.

‘Did you lie to him?” she asked.

“I never lie to him. I told him the truth but I said it was on our time and I did not tell him for how long or the extent.”

“Extent?” CJ asked. “I certainly hope you didn’t tell him the extent because that would make the President of the United States one up on me where you and I are concerned.”

Leo sighed.

“Yeah. Well, he knows now. I thought you needed to know that.”

Leo went to leave the office.

“How did he react?” CJ asked.

“I’m sorry?” he turned to her.

“How did he react Leo?”

“He nodded, and went back to the Oval. I am sure his interrogation of my intentions for his Claudia Jean is far from over. He protects you like a father would.”

She nodded, started to pedal again.

“I want to go out to dinner tonight.” She said.

“Yeah. Most places require reservations for a Friday night.” Leo replied.

“I got us reservations at 701 a week ago. I know you love the live jazz. Don’t worry, it won't look improper…I’ll wear business attire.”

Leo shook his head.

“Wear the blue dress. It brings out your eyes.”

“Don’t Leo…”

“Wear the blue dress CJ. If we are going to 701 on a Friday night, I want you to look beautiful. I want every man in the room to want you, not just me.”

He walked out of the office. CJ pedaled again, putting her earphones on. She would wear the blue dress tonight; Leo would think she was beautiful.

***

Leo’s eyes fluttered open when he felt CJ’s mouth on his chest.

“Hey.” His voice was drowsy. “What time is it?”

“Early, go back to sleep.” She said.

Leo turned to look at her. He could also see outside her window.

“It’s still dark.” He said.

“I told you it was early.”

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

“Do you ever get tired of asking me that?” she asked.

Leo shook his head. He put his hand on her arm.

“Nothing is wrong, I just couldn’t sleep. Sometimes if I watch you it makes me tired.” CJ smiled.

“I thought that was only me.” Leo said.

“I make you tired?” she was wearing that pretty smile again.

“No my little gumdrop; I watch you sleep.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He caressed her face.

“I’m sorry CJ, that I don’t live up to the ideals that you want me to.”

“That is not true. Don’t say that.” She replied.

“You're not happy anymore…the McGarry black cloud covers you.”

“No.” she shook her head.

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“I love you Leo, and I don’t think I need to hear you reply to that today. Before you decide to end this, you should know that. I am not one for putting my cards on the table but to hell with it. I'm never going to meet anyone who makes me feel like you do; even if I were a normal person. I am not unhappy, just uncertain.”

Leo wished he could tell CJ that he loved her right now, but he wasn’t sure. He knew that he was used to her being there for him and with him, and it broke his heart to think she would tire of it and leave. He would rather have her walk out on him than to ever be responsible for hurting her. There were so many damned conflicts; the age difference; the spin boys; the press; the personality clashes…everything said that they did not belong together. Yet here they were, going strong after almost three months in.

“I am sorry you're uncertain.” He said, for lack of anything else.

CJ waved away the comment, lying down on her back.

“Stop apologizing to me for silly things.” She said. “Sometimes I think we talk too much.”

“I won't disagree.”

“That could be the problem. We spend all of our time overanalyzing and we miss the good times. We should stop doing that right now.”

“What do you suggest?” Leo asked.

She turned her yes toward him.

“You suggest something.” She said.

He leaned over and kissed her mouth. OK, it was not what she had in mind but it was nice. CJ ran her finger down the weathered skin of his cheek as he kissed her again.

“Go with the flow.” He said. “Sometimes if you take it back to basics, it works. Agree that we want to be in this relationship and let the rest fall into place.”

“I feel the need to tell them.” CJ said, talking of Toby, Josh, and Sam. “We can't really do this right if we keep it like a dark secret Leo. I know it’s supposed to be informal…”

“We’ll tell them. It won't be easy but we’ll do it gently. That makes it real.”

“It’s already real.” CJ said. “Just because they know doesn’t mean that they have a right to but into personal aspects of our lives. It should be obvious that it has not affected our jobs at all.”

Leo nodded.

“Yeah. I do care about you Claudia Jean. I am not the type that will remember to say it, or who buys pretty things on special dates. That doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“I know. You show me, and I’ll remind you when you don’t.” she replied.

“Of this I have little doubt.”

She put her arms around him, pulling him close. Leo’s fingers played in her hair.

“Since we are both awake we should do something to pass the time.” She whispered.

“I am open to suggestions from the floor.” Leo pushed her legs apart with his knee.

CJ reached up and whispered something in his ear. Leo looked at her with wide hazel eyes and a big smile.

“Sometimes I cannot believe that you kiss me with that mouth.” He said before she took full control of the situation.

***


End file.
